Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, used a giraffe metaphor to describe NVC because giraffes have the largest heart and can see the whole landscape. The idea is that when we hear something that triggers us emotionally - maybe we're offended or afraid - we should make an effort to tune into what others feel rather than judge or get defensive.
When I was growing up, my father expressed himself often and loudly. There wasn't room in the household for opinions or emotions other than his. I didn't realize it until my mid-30s, but I took from that a strong desire to not be, as I put it, "steamrolled" by another person. Whenever a person in my life expressed a need or dissatisfaction with my behavior, I would spike emotionally and attack in self defense. I couldn't see that the other person had unmet needs, and my reaction was often not in proportion to what was happening. It wasn't until my husband pointed out what I was doing that I examined the behavior and learned how to control it.
Guess what? Things worked out so much better! When I reminded myself that the other person wasn't trying to hurt me or make me feel stupid and allowed myself to more vulnerable, I was able to hear what was actually being said, even ask follow-up questions. I could help this person get what they needed without having to sacrifice myself.
As you can imagine, this skill comes in very handy in real estate negotiations. Clients and agents speaking for their clients are trying to get their needs met. They aren't accusing me of wrong doing or trying to screw my clients, so I don't need to counter-attack. The other trick to listening well is to try to hear the need - not the strategy. People often decide that they need something in their life without completely understand their motivations. The motivations are important, because there are often multiple ways to meet the need that have yet to be identified. Often what looks like opposing needs at first is often opposing strategies, and a little brain storming can result in a new approach that meets the needs of both sides.
I bring this up now as I am hopeful this new year can bring some healing and lightening of spirit. Next time you are feeling threatened emotionally, try taking a breath and calmly asking a question of the person talking. You'll likely be surprised at how they will open up when they realize they don't have to defend themselves against you, and you'll come to a solution faster than you think.
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